Dear Muhammed,
From Salim: My daughter, who is 19, has always been a good Muslim girl, wore lipstick last Friday night and I believe met a boy। Obviously I must murder her in an honor killing but friends tell me that American law might frown on this act. Surely it cannot be true?
Muhammed: Allah Ak-bahr. Alas, U.S. law does not recognize honor killings, in another example of how primitive their legal system is. Sit down before you read this, but Americans would actually try and send you to jail just for killing a mere girl! Barbaric, isn’t it? The best plan would get her back to her native country, Pakistan or Saudi Arabia, and organize a feast of happiness in which you barbecue two or three goats while your neighbors stone her to death. Then you can fly back to America.
From Hugo Chavez, Venezuelan president: It has become increasingly difficult to run arms into America to the illegals I sent there to stir up the Hispanics. What do you suggest.
Muhammed: That is easy, Senor Presidente. Simply find the corrupt U.S. customs officials who allow in the tons of Columbian cocaine and piggyback on them. Do not doubt that they exist. The Americans are always screaming about corrupt Latin American officials who facilitate the drug trade, but what happens when the drugs cross into the United States? Who facilitates them? Manuel Noriega from his cell in a Federal prison? Suddenly, these tons and tons of cocaine suddenly cannot be seen from U.S. drug officials. Hah! Hah! And the American people never question why if their drug police can’t halt a shipment before it crosses the border, it can never be found again. Maybe some American master criminal invented ‘invisible dust!”
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